Posted by
Playful Walrus on Thursday, July 19, 2007 3:24:04 PM
I check advice columns to see if I can learn anything knew. Every so often, the columnist disappoints me.
Here’s what someone wrote in a recently published letter to “Dear Abby”:DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing a guy I love very much. I'll call him "Mitch." We spend a lot of time together. I have stayed with him while my 2-year-old son, "Caleb," visits his daddy.
I recently introduced Caleb to Mitch, and last weekend we both stayed at Mitch's place. The problem is, Mitch has a large dog that is very territorial and protective and isn't used to company. The dog, "Crusher," has shown aggression toward me, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. However, the dog is now being aggressive toward Caleb. On a couple of occasions, Crusher charged my son and left scratches.
Mitch and I have resorted to separating the two when Caleb is over. By "separating," I mean we have brought a few of Caleb's toys and his TV to set up in a room just for him. The problem is, Caleb is in the room with the door closed most of the time, while Crusher runs free in the house.
Abby, my son's life was turned upside down when my husband and I divorced. Now he has had to adjust to the fact that when he's with Mitch and me, he must be carried around for fear of the dog. I haven't come out and asked Mitch to get rid of Crusher, or even to limit him when we are in the house. Is this something I have a right to ask?
Mitch has been a bachelor all his life, and I'm afraid if I confront him about this he will feel I am making him choose between me and his dog. Please give me some advice.
TORN IN TWO IN OKLAHOMA
Here is Dear Abby’s response:
DEAR TORN: It is your duty as Caleb's mother to make sure that he is safe at all times. Your little boy is only 2 and can't speak on his own behalf. Shutting a child alone in a room "most of the time" isn't protecting him -- it is neglect. If you do not confront your boyfriend about his dangerous animal, you are choosing him and his dog over your son!
The wrong critter is being confined. When Caleb was attacked the first time, your boyfriend should have volunteered to confine his dog. That he didn't is appalling. That you said nothing is worse. As a mother, your child's interests must come before your love interest.
I’m glad Dear Abby recognizes that people come before animals, and that two-year-olds should not be shut away in a room. The first and last lines of the response are very right, but I’m afraid that the advice falls short. The divorced mother could have benefited from a call to
Dr. Laura.Dr. Laura advises divorced, widowed, or never married parents to focus on raising their kid, who has lost the benefit of having both a mother and a father married to each other and living with him, and not spend time, money, and energy on a “love” life until the child is 18. Besides the child needing the attention, there are other reasons Dr. Laura gives for this stance. It can be chaotic and heartbreaking for a child to have new parental figures come and go. A child who becomes accustomed to having one parent and no siblings or a set number of siblings might have resentment and jealousy if the parent takes on a new spouse (especially one with their own child(ren) already) and/or has more children that will be half-siblings. Furthermore, when the parent is single because of divorce or never having been married (and in some cases of having been widowed), the parent has a bad track record of picking partners. Finally, bringing a stepparent into the picture increases the chances of the child being abused, and that is even more likely to be the case if the partner is just a “shack-up honey”.
I know most women might find it hard to believe, but all other things being equal, most normal men who can biologically father children would rather land a woman who doesn’t have any children (at home). There are many reasons why – some more superficial than others. Unless a man lives in the boonies, he has his choices. The big exception? Pedophiles. Now, I’m not accusing most men who choose women with children of being pedophiles. I’m saying a woman with a child has a better chance of attracting pedophiles than one who doesn’t.
The mother in this case is nuts to expose her kid to a violent dog and confinement.
As for this guy - he has his home the way he likes it – complete with dog. She has no right to order him to change anything. If he really wants to keep her, than he will make the changes on his own. But she shouldn’t be dating him – or anyone else – in the first place.
Before you unmarried parents write complaints about this stance, consider what Dear Abby wrote:
It is your duty as Caleb's mother to make sure that he is safe at all times…As a mother, your child's interests must come before your love interest.
You do not have a right to a love life. You made the choice to have children, and you need to raise that child and protect that child. That should be your priority.