Posted by
Playful Walrus on Monday, March 24, 2008 12:14:05 PM
I used to labor (and I do mean labor) under the false notions that: 1) everyone should have a significant other, and; 2) couples were supposed to work through just about everything, progressing to engagement and, unless the person was physically abusive or sexually unfaithful, to marriage and staying married. How I wish I’d learned younger that it is okay to be single, that it is okay to keep dating situations casual and date around, and that dating doesn’t have to lead to exclusivity, engagement, and marriage – that some people just aren’t right for each other, or aren’t in a condition to marry. Marriage is for me, but it isn’t for everyone, and people should only get married under a certain, narrow conditions. Otherwise, you get problems like the one below…
In a recent Dear Abby, ACHING TO BE A MOMMY writes in:
"Brett" and I have been married for six years. We have no children, although I would dearly love to have one. Brett has a child from a previous relationship.
So Brett knocked up some woman out of wedlock and never married her, did he? Sounds like prime husband and father material. Sure, people make mistakes, but nowhere in the printed letter does it mention that Brett has any contact with his child or what kind of a father he is. Perhaps he never wanted to be a father in the first place? If he is in the child’s life, it would be best that he never married the letter-writer, and instead concentrated on being a father, even if not married to his child’s mother. Or is he old enough that the child is grown? We don’t know, because the letter doesn’t give the details.
When I bring up the subject of having a child, he agrees, but when I tell him I am ovulating, he says he's too tired to try, or he makes up another excuse.
Hmmm. Sounds like the guy isn’t very good at explaining what he wants and doesn’t want. Was this discussed before you married him? Your letter doesn’t say! If he agreed that you would have children before he married, then he’s really a jerk to be acting this way. Or maybe is mind has changed. He shouldn’t be making new kids, at least not until his other child is grown.
Could there be a chance that he wants to avoid fighting with you? That is why most men seem to agree to something they don’t really want. It gets their wife off of their back for the moment. It’s cowardly, but sometimes men just want some peace.
Besides wanting to keep his child’s life from getting further messed up, there could be other reasons he doesn’t want another child. Maybe he married you for your body and the sex, both of which would be negatively impacted by a baby. Maybe he likes his life the way it is – from being able to sleep, to being able to have a home that doesn’t look like a toybox, to being able to vacation in places that cater to adults instead of toddlers. Maybe he doesn’t want to be sued because his child hugs another one at a public school. I love being a father, but it isn’t for everyone.
I have asked for a divorce several times, but Brett says he will not divorce me.
Why can’t you divorce him? What, do you live under sharia law? Is there some reason you want him to file divorce? Do you live in a state where it makes a difference (think $$$) who files? Ah, so much this letter leaves out.
He knows I am taking prenatal pills and buying ovulation kits. I have also threatened to get artificially inseminated or to adopt. I feel as if I'm living in hell. What do I do?
Well, you could do what some married women do – and get knocked up by another man. In most places, your husband will be the legal father and legally obligated to pay financial support. But that would be wrong.
This one is a deal-breaker. You want kids, he apparently doesn’t want another one. It’s too bad that couldn’t have been cleared up before getting married, but it is time to move on now. However, keep in mind that there is always a chance you will not find another willing, suitable man to marry and father your children. You have to be prepared for that reality. Hopefully, it won’t happen like that, but it is a possibility. Either way, if this guy agree to have children but now doesn't want them, it is best to move on.
Dear Abby responds:
Forget about artificial insemination or adopting without your husband's support, unless you are ready to raise a child by yourself.
Which is a bad idea.
Your husband has serious issues about becoming a father again, and it's time you found out what they are. Marriage counseling might help you get to the bottom of it.
No, that’s a waste of time and money. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to conceive another child. What’s wrong is him lying about what he wants. Why go to counseling? He doesn’t want a child, and she does. They aren’t right for each other. There are times when people can easily solve their problems without counseling. There are other times where counseling will not help. Too often, counseling is a place to go so that the man can be told he's wrong for being a normal male.
That said, you do not need your husband's permission to end this marriage. If you have reached your limit, consult an attorney who specializes in family law. If you married Brett with the understanding that there would be children, you may qualify for an annulment.
Now that is good advice.