Posted by
Playful Walrus on Thursday, April 03, 2008 3:19:24 PM
Both “Dear Margo” and “Dear Abby” just ran columns dealing the same issue.
GOING NUTS writes in to Dear Margo:
I am 37 and got married two years ago.
If he was never married before, this probably means he had become somewhat set in his ways.
My wife's children were 6 and 8 at the time.
Hold on. There’s a problem right there.
Marrying someone with children has become quite common these days, because of the high rate of divorce and children born out of wedlock thanks to fornication (say, wasn’t "outercourse" and contraception and abortion supposed to stop that?), and maybe even because of women who decide to visit the sperm bank.
But being common does not make it a good idea. There are many reasons why it is a bad idea.
1) A parent should concentrate on parenting their children, not finding a new honey. Especially if children are not living in one home with both their mother and father, they need the present parent’s attention even more.
2) Children should not be exposed to a revolving door of “surrogate parents” as their parent tries different people out as a new honey, and all of the drama and loss of attention and time with their parent that comes with it.
3) While I know there are plenty of decent, stand-up stepparents out there, the fact is, having a stepparent and especially the process of finding one exposes the child(ren) to a higher risk of being abused. (Most men, if they have a choice in dating partners, prefer a woman without the complications of her already having children – unless they are pedophiles or can’t produce their own children.)
4) Unless widowed (and sometimes even then), an unmarried parent has a bad track record of picking a good partner and treating them well. Unless the underlying problems have been resolved, the parent is likely going to repeat the same mistakes.
5) It changes the family dynamics and the rules for the child.
At first, the kids slept in our bed. I didn't say anything for about a month, but then I said that was not acceptable.
That's quite a honeymoon. Did you know they were sleeping in their mother’s bed before you married her? If so, you chose this and brought this upon yourself.
I also catch hell if I try to discipline her son, now 8, when he pouts or plays her to get things his way.
Uh, yup. Such is a common problem with being a stepparent. But you had to come in and “rescue” this woman. Big mistake.
Dear Margo responds:
These sleeping arrangements are for the birds, but they are merely indicative of a larger problem.
Yes – that the fellow, a parent already, decided to marry a new honey who has kids - kids sleeping with her in her bed.
You might ask your wife how many men she thinks would marry a woman so that four people could sleep in the bed.
Apparently, at least one.
And here is one from UNCERTAIN STEPMOM IN NEW ENGLAND, writing in to Dear Abby:
Help! I am engaged to a man with three kids -- a 7-year-old girl and 9-year-old twin boys -- and soon to become a stepmom. He has them about half the time.
Like I said above… well, see above.
I like his children, but I have three of my own. One is grown; two are teenagers. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and do not want to start over again raising someone else's kids.
Then don’t marry him. See how simple that is?
Can I marry this man and not have to raise his kids? Or is that what a stepmother does? I would be happy just being their friend.
The kids are part of the package. You are not their friend. You are their father’s honey. Are there really no suitable men out there for you without minor children?
Dear Abby responds:
Of course you will have a hand in raising those children -- it goes with the territory. If that's not what you are willing to sign on for, you should not marry him.
Right. Not just a hand, but one that is tied. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?